"Parrot, you're out of the band."
---
"[The Luggage] opened its lid like a dog that knows it's been bad and is hoping that a quick display of affection may avert the rolled-up newspaper of authority."
---
"It [chipped PS2] lasted 5 years before finally packing in as well, what a trooper."
---
[concerning a murder where pieces were found in 5 places]:
"He's probably beside himself right now, and here we are making fun of him...
Simply beautiful."
---
"Lets hope the funeral
*puts on sunglases*
Doesn't cost an arm and a leg.
YEAAAAAAAAAA"
---
"Maybe, just maybe, someone else stabbed him in the back?
Just a thought.
GENIUS!!! Someone get this boy a cigar."
---
"How do YOU refresh?"
"F5"
"F5"
"Click Reload"
"With a nice Sprite."
---
I created God.
Bow the fuck down.
---
[which language is the worst?]
I love Russian. It's so guttural and angry. You can say "I love you" and it still sounds like you want to rip out their throat.
German. Really.
I mean let's compare the word "Butterfly" in three different languages.
In Spanish its "Mariposa"
In French its "Papillon"
In german its "SCHMETTERLING"
Dear God...
German just sounds scary and very unflattering.
---
Whats happened to the subs, theres new subbers ever week?
Obviously the series [sengoku] is so hotblooded that the mere act of translating it causes the fansubber's faces and hands to melt off.
---
The UN have always been useless. The worst thing they can do is write a strongly worded letter.
---
I've never understood the fascination of going to strip clubs, particularly with friends. Seems about one step away from a circle jerk.
---
First of all, no one DECIDES to be an English major. They just wake up one morning and go, "Fuck. I'm an English major."
---
College taught me that business majors don't know how to make popcorn, and they all try to do it when everyone else is asleep.
---
from http://gamefaqsarchive.com/index.php?pg=827&x=5
"I'm not really around people enough to know if my behavior is odd."
---radiantheart
"I don't hate you, I just don't view you as human."
---IHateSocialism
"Well stiff is the word of the moment when my presence is felt..."
---big ern
"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand."
---THE dark
"You can come over here, we'll get high and have passionate sex. Or have tacos, or something."
---OMG OMG its Ben WTF
"Oh wait I got Affirmative Action confused with Racial Profiling, switch my answer to bad."
---damn posting limit
"I know that I am not the only person who will lay awake at night and silently rewire his system in his head."
---Gabe (Penny Arcade)
"Over the next couple of months a lot of you will probably be heading home to spend some time with your family. A lot of you will probably also be dragging a video game system along with you in order to dull the pain."
---Gabe (Penny Arcade)
"Zip up those pants, and ask yourself: Am I a ****ing crybaby? Can I imagine a universe where I might be wrong?"
---Tycho (Penny Arcade)
"When people write articles and stories about how bad America's youth has degenerated as a result of videogame violence, it makes me want to uppercut someone off of a bridge into a pit of spikes; or maybe rip their spine out."
---Calypso
"With the joy of responsibility comes the burden of obligation."
---Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
"Yes, but imagine morning wood with tentacles."
---Enygmatic
"Games dont make people violent, lag does."
---Peter Griffin
"Being a good writer is 3% talent,97% not being distracted by the internet."
---Unknown
"If my manhood shrank every time I was insulted, I'd be a woman."
---ThePillProject
"Technically Iceland SHOULD be a continent. It's larger than Australia."
---phoenix OMEGA
"Man, when you're so dirty Lesbian Catgirls make you feel clean, thats a defining moment."
---Peter Griffin
"Because coffee without the caffiene is like SEX WITHOUT THE COSTUMES!"
---Duckman
"I'd rather keep a friend than lose my mind."
---GalFord
"Keep your chins up...and your heads down!"
---Sir Quick de Barbeau
"Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it"
---Soth Aron
"God eats pizza on Sundays. You can't disprove me, so I must be right. "
---Fallen Tabris
"I'm single-handily trying to free the world of hunger, starting with myself."
---XtremeLeader
"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese apartment, and an American wife."
---James H. Kabbler III.
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
---Voltaire
"The don't call it the Porn Wide Web for nothing..."
---Space Ace
"I'm horrified and touched at the same time. And not in the way I'm horrified and touched when my uncle visits."
---The Great Magus
"And I suppose the fact that I care is a testament to my boredom."
---Sanae Yamamoto
"I don't mean to question a higher power, but I don't think God would be caught napping at a rest stop."
---solid snake
"What did Hitler ever do to YOU?"
---WiseMirkon
"Onlan talk about masturbation and bonars under the table during Thanksgiving be turned into a discussion on how to write Roman numerals."
---Oooska
"You're a good man, brad... ... ... and a horrible woman."
---wendellmn
"You know they're nerds when people like us call them nerds."
---solid snake
"I am stabbing an apple and pretending it's your head. Good night."
---damn posting limit
"I don't want to toot my own horn but I handed them all their asses. I was like some kind of goddamned ass handing machine sent back in time to hand people their asses... ... ... When it does come out be sure and look for me online, I'll be the one handing you your ass."
---Gabe (Penny Arcade)
"As everyone filed in we all got a chance to fondle the joystick and run our hands across the console, lightly tickling the knobs and switches while we made low guttural noises."
---Gabe (Penny Arcade)
"I'll take that computer... The gray one."
---Hank Hill (King of the Hill)
"There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on."
---Robert Byrne
"Just watch your back kid...thats were it'll really sneak up on ya..."
---FallDamage (On body hair)
"We have dinosaurs to help us now??!!"
---imaguy2 (Talking about thesauruses)
"It's not like Mensa is anything more than a bunch of people sitting around thinking "Ah, yes yes, I am so smart because I made X grade on a test.""
---Cynical Sphere
"If you embass me over there, I'll knock you into next Wednesday. Or Thursday. Fuck. Let me get my Day-Planner."
---Gabe (Penny Arcade)
Gamers across the world rose up in protest, and then sat immediately back down, panting heavily."
---(Penny Arcade)
"Somebody call Guinness. I'm about to go from zero to drunk in twenty dollars."
---Div (Penny Arcade)
"You're damn wright I've got a drinking problem. We're fresh out of scotch."
---Div (Penny Arcade)
"Sometimes after I drink a lot of vodka, I watch some gay porn and forget it's gay porn so I just figure that it's supposed to be a 3-some but the girl is just late for the party."
---Nemesis
"Get over it. You're probably just one of my joke accounts anyway."
---SunHawk
"Who is this CjayC guy? I've seen a few topics by him and christ, he acts like he owns this place."
---Ahriman
"On a scale of one to ten, I am soooo drunk."
---Div (Penny Arcade)
"Whoever he is, he must play videogames a lot. I don't know else he could learn how to shoot like that!"
---miffo
"I think a bad guy should sing to make his intentions clear, hey it works for Disney villains."
---Jerec
"Have to run right now...ABC World news is on, and more importantly, snack time!"
---Sir Q de Barbeau
"Everyone knows homosexuality destroyed the greeks."
---madmax66
"Who cares? If you're smart, you'll just jump over the car like Superman."
---solid snake (On getting hit by a car)
"And by suspended do you mean anally violated?"
---TerranRedneck
"I would stalk her till the stalk-cows came home to Stalkerville."
---I Am A Potato
"War is a video game. What better way to raise the ultimate soldier."
---Pliskin
"Either he's like Will's friend from Will & Grace, or that's a girl."
---AggroSk8er (On Gabi the rabbit form Animal Crossing)
"Some people are so far into the closet that they're in someone else's room..."
---LITTLEGUIDO
"Well, I'm lactos intolerant... I have no patience for lactos and I won't STAND for it."
---Jerry Sienfeld
"Everyone was laughing, because he was popular and in high school you have to always agree with popular people no matter how ignorant and immature they are acting, because if you don't that means you are dumb and must die now because you don't like Nelly. "
---Minion
"And it case you haven't noticed, hating things for no objective reason went out of style quite a long time ago."
---Ferret Druid
"There are two things in this world... Things you can eat... And things you no can eat."
---Quina
"If we were all anthromorphic foxes we would think nakid humans were hot and other anthromorphic foxes would think we are weird."
---falcorules101
"I think she's hot.. Though I don't find her attractive... LOL That should make sense to most people :)"
---Ferret Druid
"Well, he resurrected Lazarus. A major TOS violation, if you ask me."
---Corbon440 (On Jesus)
"Why cant I have a body like Inspector Gadgets?"
---gnomes
"You let that poor Japanese girl out of the basement finally? Take your agressions out on a pillow, not poor Moemi!"
---Imbruglio
"Religion constantly reassures itself that it is right, while science constantly tries to prove itself wrong."
---Savok
"Wait a second, you two look sweaty and guilty... Have you been eating my candy?"
---That 70s Show
"*shoots you with the disco penis of love*"
---Ferret Druid
"Violence could not be the solution, but I guarantee you'll be smiling the whole time."
---KatThePoet
"Zebra - A delicious meaty animal"
---gnomes
"Student: Do you have a vibrator I can use?
Teacher: No...that's what my husband's for."
---ShadowQueen
"Student: What if we do bad on this test?
Teacher: I'll F you. "
---Grand Lethal
"Sounds like your family put the fun in dysfunctional!!! "
---Master Roshi (to Creepyguywithastick)
Canada should feel lucky we let them have states 51 through 64..."
---wallywest80
"I'm a gay man in a strip club: I really dont care."
---Cedric the Entertainer
"A saucepan of mine would like to become acquainted with your jaw"
---IHateSocialism
Azagthoth: "It's all a big conspiracy theory."
Guido: "Conspiracy in my ass." [pause] "Harder."
"Thank you both for those words of kindness. May not mean much to many, but means a lot to me."
---Sir Q de Barbeau
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
---Groucho Marx
"Together, we can lick breast cancer."
"Does he make enough to super-size his meals at McDonald's? I think that's the only important question here."
---Paul (on CjayC)
"I tell yah' women... Can't live with them... Can't live without them... ... ... Just like crispy tacos... Just like 99 cent crispy tacos...."
--- Burger King comercial
"Disco is from hell... And not the cool part of hell where all murders live... But the lame ass part where all the bad accountents go."
---That 70's Show
"I love humanity. It's people I can't stand."
---Charlie Brown
"Humor is subjective...then again, so was Napoleon."
---Dais
"Having trouble walking around the track for 20 minutes, duckbear? Here, have a Twinkie. Mister Twinkie doesn't judge you and shun you...that's it...that's it...yes."
---EnderTheXenocide
"Gay straght alliance? I didn't know they were at war."
---Canadian Crazy
"We all know how Einstein just randomly creates these variables... Silly Albert."
---Ashton Anchors
"Once a King, Always a King-But Once a Knight is Enough!"
---Sir Q de Barbeau
"Of course not, for I truly love my crush-not for their outer, physical hair but for their inner, emotional hair."
---TheSpark.com
"Butterflies in your stomach when you catch sight of that special someone? Then stop eating butterflies."
---TheSpark.com
"the nation ends in a Q... go figure"
---Soft Tail (on Iraq)
"I think a more penetrating question would be: Has an inanimate object ever had sex with you?"
---iamnothing
"I dont think hackers are concerned with finding exploits in Macs. Unleashing a virus on Mac users is like detonating a nuclear bomb on Qatar"
--- Enygmatic
"If Playboy has pictures of girls... and Playgirl has pictures of guys... I don't want to know what Playstation Magazine is like."
---Elazul875
"I know in darkness, I will find you, giving up inside like me."
---VNV Nation
"As we were forged we shall return perhaps someday... I will remember us, and wonder who we were."
---VNV Nation
"I only come here seeking peace... It seems I came to leave."
---VNV Nation
"Money is like sex, tons of it around but I never seem to get any!"
---dino2001
"The four letter word for psychotherapy is talk."
Anonymous
"...in fact, it's so exciting, I'm going to wash my dishes..."
---wendellmn
"Outies are genetically inferior to we innies."
---MustgetStoned2
"You want a noble mod? Go get Gally. You want a honest mod? Ask for Moogle, or Devin... You will learn to fear me."
---KatThePoet
"Funny how you define a loser as one who doesnt know what a chocobo is."
---GreatDane
"Lets see 'Sorry please drink another beer'... well, thats what I call losing the battle but winning the war!"
---King of the Hill
"We can bomb the world to pieces, but we can't bomb the world to peace."
---N/A
"All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."
---Animal Farm
"Forget love. I want to fall in chocolate."
---Blatantly Female
"I have an inferiority complex...But it's not a very good one."
---William Wright
"The chances of there being a higher being up there are as good as there being a good looking, intelligent, nice girl with a sense of humor and a C-cup that would have sex with me."
---Terminal Velocity
"A true friend stabs you in the front."
---Oscar Wilde
"What do I have to do with anything?"
---isv666
"If I had my way, you'd be hung from on oak tree by your testicles. But, I'm just going to have to block you instead."
---Ferret Druid
"Oh no! It's God!! He found us!!"
---paragon
"The best things in life are free. Or tax deductible."
---whiz kid
"God gave me a dick and a brain, but not enough blood to run through both at the same time."
---Telephone Tough Guy
"Well off to work on my car no more arguing with people who I could have fathered, for now."
---Chevelle Malibu
"My party has no room for a Summoner or a White Mage. Having a girlfriend would totally throw off my stats."
---creepyguywithastick
"Calling me silly eh? THAT'S FLAMING!!!"
---NarDmw
"Gee, Peggy, I sure am not unfond of you, I tell you what."
---Hank Hill's marriage proposal (King of the Hill)
"Um, there's grammar guts all over the floor and you're holding the knife... clean up please..."
---CaptainRFalcon
"First, God made the Irish. Then He made beer so they wouldn't take over the world."
---IrishGuy
"Wow, obnoxious people piss you off? Next thing you'll be saying is that muggers take your money."
---The Great Magus
"No no no, dont listen to this guy, this is how things got out of hand in Germany."
---Christopher Titus
"My father always protected me, like a magnifying glass protects an ant from the sun."
---Christopher Titus
"Never before have I met a male who couldn't describe his genitalia in gruesome detail."
---Ferret Druid
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
---Ann Landers
"...You have successfully doomed all of Canada to a life of the son of a shephard. I hope you're happy."
---Terminal Velocity
"Pro: you're not here to worry about the cons anymore."
---Kat the Poet (on the pros and cons of suicide)
"We don't understand this whole... Sarcasm... thing you speak of."
---Dunatis Ishmael
"Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along."
---The Onion
"Numbers mean nothing. Actions determine true intelligence."
---CVagts
"If you have sex with a chick who's in a coma and she gets pregnant, will going into labor wake her up?"
---solid snake
"Homosexual?: I cook, clean, sew, & I have all 6 pansy division CDs and work at a gay and lesbian coffe shop/art gallery but... No, Im too dirty & ugly to be a ***."
---Mike 95 (profile)
"No reason to live, but no reason to die."
---happily depressed
"Moments lost, though time remains."
---VNV Nation
"What good will wings be if you couldn't feel the wind on your face?"
---City of Angels
"...X rated girls, aready bookmarked that... Dail X for sex... Mr.X? Shall I cross the final frontier?"
---Comicbookguy (The Simpsons)
"I would entertain you... But... it would require a blindfold... Nylon straps... Possibly saliva..."
---Ferret Druid
"Darwin? You mean that stupid guy?"
---Jsimmons Is Forever
"I was an atheist... until I realized I was GOD."
---horrible person
"I have nothing against Gays, I mean I watch Star Trek for petes sake."
---The Sisko
"You take off your clothes and if nothing happens we can just play cards or something..."
---LITTLEGUIDO
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition."
---Jack Handey
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
---Jack Handey
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."
---Jack Handey
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
---Jack Handey
"I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties."
---Jack Handey
"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that."
---Jack Handey
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind."
---Jack Handey
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
---Jack Handey
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
---HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy
"When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy."
---Jack Handey
"The only solution I see involves fire."
---MustgetStoned2
"It was a love triangle, as drawn by a two-year-old."
---Thespark.com
"Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when I'm right, but they haven't realised it yet."
---Mr Bump
'"Due to a budget cut, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."-God'
---gnomes
"Sex isn't true or false, nor is it the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."
---Meowthnum1
"If you get sued for statutory rape, counter sue the parents for parenting such a hot daughter."
---vodka and whiskey
Are the opponents French? Canadian? French Canadian? If you answered yes to any of those, just shoot at them and yell, "SURRENDER."
"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better"
---George W. Bush
"Rarely is the question asked... Is our children learning?"
---George W. Bush
"His kind of love burns in the morning when you go to the bathroom."
---Bizarro Magus
"In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey... The monkey will spank us!!"
---Kevin Smith
"Let's pretend I'm gay. Oh, wait, we don't have to pretend!"
---Orochi Roll
"I went to my ex-wife's funeral. Everyone there thought I was quite the man to do so, jeez, they didn't realize I only went to make sure she was dead."
---Number Nerd
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
---Albert Einstein
"I need someone to motivate me... Or to just do it all for me, which would be fine"
---Ferret Druid
"ÝÖÜ ÅLL läûgh bê¢åù$ë Í'M Ðiffèrêñt. Î lâûgh bë©äù$è ÝÖÜ'®É ÄLL 7hê $åmë."
---Unknown
"No Hell, though. Although, I do dream about working on the site, if that counts."
---CJayC
"Yes, you two can learn to be teh grammer mastor."
---CJayC
"For me, video games should be as long as a girl's skirt. That is, long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep it interesting."
---Dullard
"A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend."
---Chaos2541
"Jesus? Fuck, I'm still looking for Waldo."
---Bored Gamer
"Everyone is gay until proven straight."
---Ferret Druid
"Oh, I see, so since I have gay porn that automatically makes me gay - THAT makes a lot of sense."
---Ferret Druid
"You can't spell IGNORANT without IGN!"
---Neonjohn779
Being very interested in all things biology, Geosaur, I'm incredibly interested in the anatomical apparatus that enables you to talk out of your ass. Care to explain?
--
English, Spanish, doesn't matter. You spell it all horribly. The only language you have a grasp of is gibberish.
--
Women can't rape men because they don't have as much power as men.
And you call us sexist? If I lost any more respect for you, they'd need to invent a new counting system that's less than negative numbers.
--
Nope. Their place is on their knees.
Praying, of course.
--
"The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."
--
Stupidity must be shot down, lest it form alliances with it's brothers idiocy and foolishness.
--
A mathematician and an engineer are sitting in the first class section of a flight from Las Vegas to New York. The mathematician did very well at the casino, and is very energetic, while the engineer didn't do so hot and is trying to sleep. The plane lifts off, and immediately the mathematician is bored and restless. He nudges the engineer.
"Hey. I got an idea. Wanna play a game? You can ask me a question, any question, and if I can answer it, you gotta give me $20, but if I can't, you gotta give me $20, then I get to do the same to you," he says.
The engineer is tired and miserable, and hardly interested in gambling, and declines.
The mathematician sits there, fidgeting for about half an hour, before nudging the engineer again.
"Hey. Tell you what," he says. "How about this: I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, I'll give you $40, but if you don't know the answer, you only have to give me $5. Then you can ask me a question, and if I get it right, you pay me $5, but if I don't know the answer, I'll give you $40, but I get to ask you first."
The engineer is irritated, but agrees nonetheless in hopes that the guy will stop bothering him.
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then says, "Okay. Tell me the distance from the tip of the Statue of Liberty, to the surface of the Moon, in centimeters, rounded to the nearest tenth."
The engineer shakes his head, pulls out $5, and hands it to the mathematician. The mathematician snickers, tells him the correct answer, and says, "Ha! Okay, now you ask me a question, any question at all."
The engineer ponders a few moments, then finally says, "Okay. What goes uphill with three legs, and comes downhill with two?"
The mathematician thinks for a moment, then whips out his laptop with satellite internet access, and starts chatting with all his mathematician buddies. Two hours pass, before the mathematician grudgingly turns to wake the now-sleeping engineer and hands him $40.
"Okay. I give up," he says.
The engineer pockets the $40 and reclines his seat to go back to sleep.
"Wait!," shouts the mathematician. "So what goes uphill with three legs, and comes downhill with two?!?"
The engineer hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.
---
"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
- the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines."
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.
-Margaret Thatcher
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense."
- Tom Clancy
"Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try."
"Girls are like parking spots; the good ones are always taken."
"At least pulling wool over your eyes will keep your face from freezing."
"Money makes the world go round. Love barely keeps it from blowing up."
"Silence is one of the most effective forms of communication."
"Your shallowness is so wide that it's almost like depth." - Daria
Porn isn't sex. Porn is for whacking off. Which is a victimless crime. Like necrophilia. Or pissing in the shower.
Ralph: "Henry, what are you doing in there?"
Henry: "Ralph, what are you doing out there?"
--An exchange between Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau, where Thoreau was being kept in prison during a period of civil disobedience.
God is dead. --Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. --God
--t-shirt
"The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." - Mark Twain's Tombstone
When I stare at the nubile young body of a naked female celebrity, noticing the ample curves and the oil glistening on her soft, supple skin, I says to myself, "Paul, it's time to save some ****ing whales." - Paul
Just when I think I fully understand English, I see something like this which makes me wonder if all those years going to school really amounted to much for me.
Erotic is stimulation with a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
"History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there."
- George Santayana
"Work as if you don't need the money,
love as if you were never hurt before,
and dance as if no one is watching."
-Author Unknown
"Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning."
-Albert Einstein
"If you're not failing sometimes, you're not trying. And if you're afraid of making mistakes, you're not taking risks. It's essential to know the difference between having to be perfect and simply striving for excellence."
Very occasionally, if you really pay attention, life doesn't suck. ~Joss Whedon
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that just say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them. You just be like "Excuse me, Oh never mind I didn't see your sign."-dude from LUE
DarkCobra - You could have thought up a lot more original and less-bigoted insult then "***".
The Great Magus - He called you an asterisk asterisk asterisk?! That CAD!
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way.
Franklin P. Adams
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.
Francoise Sagan
You are not a great individual for hating your mother. You're a Greek tragedy in the making.~~Polemos to Darkcobra
Suicide: Telling God "You can't fire me. I quit!"
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, you think it's only a minute. But when you sit on a hot stove for a minute, you think it's two hours. That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein
"When you sneeze, that's your soul trying to get out. Saying 'God bless you' crams it back in."
Compared to Limp Bizkit, Hoobastank is fucking Beethoven.
A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. "Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him. But just when things are finally looking up for Jane, a series of disasters strike. First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery, doctors find that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they are forced to surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.
Reeling from these disaters, rejected by society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and a drfter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter the chance to avenge the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time travelers corps." Both of them enter a time machine, and the bartender drops off the drifter in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan woman, who subsequently becomes pregnant.
The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops off the baby in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time travelers corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, becomes a respected and elderly member of the time travelers corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's Place in 1970.
The question is: Who is Jane's mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, son, daughter, granddaughter, and grandson? The girl, the drifter, and the bartender, of course, are all the same person. These paradoxes can make your head spin, especially if you try to untangle Jane's twisted parentage. If we draw Jane's family tree, we find that all the branches are curled inward back on themselves, as in a circle. We come to the astonishing conclusion that she is her own mother and father! She is an entire family tree unto herself.
Well, GameFAQs isn't known throughout the net for having the sharpest tacks in the bulletin board.
GameFAQs' ToS is sort of like having a really hot girl wearing tight pants.
You REALLY want her to take it off, but once you see her naked, you realize that she's actually a man.
A Foolish man gives his wife a grand piano, a wise man gives his wife an upright organ.
Baseball is wrong: A man with four balls cannot walk.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wouldn't it be funny if a tornado hit a windchime factory?
-HitchHikersGuide
Angsty Samurai rock.
"CRAWLING IN MY KIMONO THIS HONOUR WILL NOT HEAL."
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You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
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Meghan McCain: Because sometimes the apple not only falls far from the tree, but runs away screaming in horror.
---
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If you're going through hell, keep going.
~ Winston Churchill
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Next week there can't be any crisis. My schedule is already full. - Henry Kissinger
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"I like to look at strangers and think that someone loves them."
---
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.”
“I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it”
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
“What's another word for Thesaurus?
---
Dr. Chase: How’d you like it if I interfered in your personal life?
Dr. House: I’d hate it. That’s why, cleverly, I have no personal life.
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Use your own name in vain.
- God.
---
"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow."
Jim (Taxi)
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."
Homer Simpson
"Everybody has a heart. Except some people."
Bette Davis
"I never know how much of what I say is true."
Bette Midler
"Do unto others before they do unto you."
Anonymous
"I have never developed indigestion from eating my words."
Winston Churchill
"After a fall such as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs!"
Lewis Carroll
"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"
Wendy Liebman
"Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night."
Steven Wright
"How can I be sure I've succeeded, if I can't remember what I was trying to do."
Ashleigh Brilliant
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"Operation: 'This Will Most Likely End Badly' is a go."
-bumper sticker.
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"Fuck em all but six, because before we're done we're going to need pallbearers"
-My Grandfather, a WWII vet-
"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
-Stephen King-
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemmingway-
"I went dancing with a girl who had a wooden leg and I spun her the wrong direction...she got taller."
-Larry The Cable Guy-
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
-Steven Wright-
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
-Mark Twain-
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
-Rita Mae Brown-
"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"
-Steve Martin-
"The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?”
-Billy Connolly-
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
-Emo Phillips-
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go. — Dr. Seuss
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A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
-Robert A. Heinlein
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“A lot of what passes for depression these days is nothing more than a body saying that it needs work.”
-Geoffrey Norman
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Don't do drugs, cos if you do you end up in prison, and drugs are REaLLY expensive in prison.
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"Even someone with a quarter of a brain, a heart of ice, and one testicle couldn't deny you're one hell of a lady."
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"I am sorry my Web browser history scared you."
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"Serious people always wear two pairs of glasses at the same time."
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"Friendship is when people know all about you, but like you anyway." -Anonymous
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There is no hell. There is only France.
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The person who doesn't make mistakes is unlikely to make anything."
"Fuck you, it's magic."
"Not everyone can relate to what you and I appreciate."
"Fuck you, it's magic."
"Not everyone can relate to what you and I appreciate."
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"Computer games don't effect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us kids, we'd all be running around darkened rooms munching magic pills, listening to repetitive electronic music."
"A cat that gets too excited may vomit."
"Every time you kill a kitten God masturbates."
"Every time you kill a kitten God masturbates."
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"Only two thing are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." --Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
---
You're ugly, you're too fat, you're too skinny, you're vain, you're mousy, you wear too much make-up, you hide behind your hair, you talk too much, no one can hear a damn word you say, you laugh too loud, you never get the joke, you're clingy, you're cold, you're a slob, you're a perfectionist, you think you're the life of the party, you're always on the phone, your clothes are out of style, you're so vain, you're a slut, you're a prude, you're dumb, you're pretentious, you can't sing, your music sucks, you're such a nerd, you care too much, you're never there, you're distant, you're shallow, you're fake, you're a wannabe, you wish you were me, your legs are chubby, you complain too much, you never smile, you're hyperactive, you're stupid you're fake you're the worst person on earth you disgust me.
But hey, you know what? I bet someday, somewhere out there, someone's gonna realize they want you more than they've ever wanted anything else in the world.
But hey, you know what? I bet someday, somewhere out there, someone's gonna realize they want you more than they've ever wanted anything else in the world.
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"You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?"
"I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be."
"I don't talk trash, I talk smack -- they're totally different."
- The Office
"I am going to make this way harder than it needs to be."
"I don't talk trash, I talk smack -- they're totally different."
- The Office
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“Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.”
-Dennis Leary-
-Dennis Leary-
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"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."
— Douglas Adams.
— Douglas Adams.
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If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.
-Frank Zappa
-Frank Zappa
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"If you trust in yourself and believe in your dreams and follow your star, you'll get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy." - Terry Pratchett
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Sheldon: Ah, gravity - thou art a heartless bitch.
Sheldon: What part of an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote don't you understand?
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits?' Does he provide her with health insurance?
Sheldon: Engineering. Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.
Michael Scott;
"No, not the good kind of gay, the BAD kind of gay. The bad at sports kind of gay."
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[about tall girls]
To my way of thinking, I view em like a fortress.
I stare up at it, and say " I can conquer this. "
Fearless Bravado FTW.
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i can hold a piss forever. sometimes i go to sleep needing to piss as i cant be fucked going to the bathroom.
That is a dangerous fucking game to be playing my friend.
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I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam
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Enjoying your temporary lifestyle?
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[talking about game Red vs manga Red]
If you actually imagine Game Red, silently honing himself to perfection, he's pretty much the biggest badass in the universe.
Manga Red is cool, but Game Red is cooler because he doesn't give a fuck about anything. He does what must be done.
Red's philosophy is probably something like, "If it can be challenged, challenge it."
He's the epitome of Pokemon trainer.
"Why did you climb Mount Everest?"
"Because I climbed Mount Everest."
>"Why did you climb Mount Everest?"
"It was in the way."
>"Why did you climb Mount Everest?"
>"My Coke was warm."
>He did it first, but I'll do it best.
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[Sora no woto]
The trumpets are a means of communication. Do you see those fuckers running around with radio packs? Fuck no they use brass.
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[FMA:B ep40]
wtf this episode explains so much to me
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One day we met Excalibur.
Then we (ﺧ益ﺨ)
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You are not a hikikomori; you are only in epic training to one day survive a years long voyage to another star system.
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A translation is like a woman; the more beautiful, the less faithful.
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How can you be on /a/, own more than 20 series and not able to name five series that were never on TV in North America? You'll take your diagonal and you'll like it.
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I'm a huge faggot for SHAFT stuff and I didn't recognize Hiroshi Kamiya as Izaya. Nor Daisuke Ono as Shizuo for that matter. Going through the VA list is a series of WHATs.
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